So I debated to write this post, I would consider myself to be a private person, but since starting my blog three years ago, I’m definitely sharing more.
Keith suggested it would be good for me! He knows how I process, how my mind works and I think he thought that the writing would be therapeutic.
I think he’s right!
So I’m here.
At the end of April, I found out I was pregnant. I say found out like it was a surprise. Trust me that wasn’t the case. It was over a year of sometimes negative tests and heartbreak at not getting pregnant easily. But this time I knew. I bought the test and Keith and I stood in our tiny downstairs loo and the words appeared “Pregnant”
To say we were overjoyed was an understatement. We floated in our bubble for that first week. I couldn’t believe it. It honestly felt like I’d won the lottery. Every woman who has had a positive test knows you instantly start to have exaggerated symptoms. I did.
I told my Mam, obviously I told my Mam. I downloaded all the Apps from the cloud. I lashed the carbs out of it! It consumed our conversations when Tom went to bed. We excitedly made all the plans. The month was the best. But sadly it wasn’t to be. A torturous few days of scans and fetal echos and ‘don’t worry, everything is fine’ and then everything wasn’t fine and I miscarried. I initially went through this state of…
‘I’m ok! I have a great life! I’m blessed! I have Tom and a fantastic relationship with a husband I love’
But then the days passed and I started to be a crazy mixed bag of emotions… probably the first real Emotional Roller Coaster I’ve ever been on. The last six weeks have me processing the time. I figured every woman must go through this…
You have to remind yourself it’s not your fault…EVERYDAY!
It’s not the first thing I think about every morning now. Because we’re ALL on School holidays… Tom calls me from his bed! This is a welcome relief. But everyday when I think about it I have to remind myself it’s not my fault. Everyday my thought process is… it is nature and it’s life, there’s nothing you could’ve done.
My Body hasn’t gotten the f**king memo from my womb…
Obviously all the symptoms have passed, but my enlarged boobs refuse to go away. As if they weren’t feckin big enough before! My body, just like my head, is taking its time returning to ‘normal’
Hormones be gone!
I’ve been full on psycho at times. I’m easily agitated and I can get annoyed so easily. (This is completely not like me) I have spent the last few weeks reigning in the crazy. I wouldn’t normally suffer with massively shifting hormones so this has been incredibly difficult for me.
Creative Mojo Low!
I have continued posting on Instagram, but I haven’t felt creative at all. I want to write but I feel until I put these feelings down it’s all I think about when trying to write about anything. I want so badly to move on… I’m hoping writing this will help.
Lastly, I am aware how amazing my life is; I have a loving little boy, an adoring husband, a family who look after me so well and fantastic friends. A wise person worse said this very phrase to me and I’ve lived by it for years.
“If We all put our problems in the middle of the floor, I wouldn’t be long taking mine back!”
Thanks for reading.